A Thieving Pharaoh's Thief
by Roweena5000
Summary: Bakura grumbled and started to crawl forward, reluctantly admitting to himself that the pharaoh was right. Not that the man under him was of the brightest kind. He was, after all, the reason for them being in this awkward position. Crack-ish. Hinted YB/YY
1. Chapter 1

**A/N**

A little idea that spawned from watching MacGyver of all things. ^^ The episode is called 'Good Knight MacGyver'. Anywhoo, this is a little funny and cracky piece about our fav pharaoh and thief.

Great thanks to **Chicary** for being an awesome beta, and for her help with the title. I owe that one completely to her.

**Disclaimer: **I own nothing. And if you thought I did, well then...

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"Boy, you could use some deodorant!" Atem wrinkled his nose and tried to hide it away from the origin of the foul smell, currently lying splayed on top of him. The source of the smell growled back at him.

"Well, what do you expect from having to live in a filthy cave? If it weren't for you and your guards never giving me a moment of piece, I would have had the time to clean and take a bath!"

Bakura lay on top of Atem, who, in turn, lay on his stomach, facing a rather unpleasant sight.

Beneath the pharaoh and the thief was a deep abyss, the only thing holding the two up being a narrow beam.

"Could you _please _just get off me?"

"And fall down and kill myself? You'd like that wouldn't you, _pharaoh_? You go first."

"How! You're on top of me, I can't move!" Atem was seriously starting to question how this could be the mastermind thief who had managed to elude his palace guards for such a long time. The man was clearly an idiot. He drew in breath and stated slowly.

"Just crawl forward and onto the ledge. And make sure to hold your balance."

Bakura grumbled and started to crawl forward, reluctantly admitting to himself that the pharaoh was right. Not that the man under him was of the brightest kind. He was, after all, the reason for them being in this awkward position. Had it not been for the pharaoh and his compulsive need to be a hero, they wouldn't have walked into this mess.

It had been such a good plan too. Kidnap the pharaoh's little girlfriend and wait for the pharaoh to pay the ransom. But nooo, the Ra damned pharaoh just had to come rescue her. And now they we're as good as lost in Bakura's own cave.

"Are you done yet?" The muffled voice of the pharaoh sounded anything but happy over having a smelly thief king crawling all over him.

"Oh, shut up. It's not my fault we're here." Finally managing to scramble off the pharaoh and onto the ledge on the other side of the abyss, Bakura turned to glare at Atem.

Atem lifted his head up and drew a much needed breath of fresh air. After this, he was close to considering giving the thief a day off once in a while. If, for nothing else, at least to spare the noses of his guards once they caught the man..

"Are you saying that this is _my _fault? Forgive me, but it was not _I _who kidnapped _your _best friend and by doing so forced you to come save her as a result."

Atem warily rose onto his knees and elbows before crawling over to the ledge himself, all the while keeping an eye on Bakura. He was surprised that he had not yet tried to push him down the abyss. After all, if Bakura wanted to get rid of him, this was an excellent opportunity.

"Of course not. I have no friends, all I have are my devoted lackeys." When Bakura crossed his arms and turned his head away, Atem could have sworn he heard a tinge of jealousy in his voice. However, Bakura's next comment put an end to any kind of thought in that direction.

"Now, how the hell are you gonna get us out of this mess? It's your fault after all."

"How can it be _my _fault? You are the one who kidnapped Mana." Atem stared at Bakura in bafflement, for the moment forgetting his anger.

"Yes, but _I _am not the one insisting on playing the hero by trying to save her. Had it not been for you dragging me into this tunnel and then tripping like that I would never have had to crawl over you royal butt like it was a cushion."

Atem's anger was quickly returning and he glared at Bakura.

"Playing the hero? I do no such thing! It is my duty as pharaoh to care for the people's well being! And I did not ask for you to follow me"

Bakura huffed and turned his head back towards the other.

"Convenient excuse you've got there. And is it also your _duty _to always run around saving kittens and making an honest thief look ten times worse in the eyes of the public? And if not that was bad enough, your last plundering of Nubia made me look even more useless!" Bakura was screaming into Atem's face, his eyes almost popping out of their sockets. "If the pharaoh steals more treasure then the thief king, how is the thief king gonna keep up appearances!"

Atem, on the other hand, met the insane glare with a cold glare of his own.

"You're calling me, the pharaoh, a thief?

Had Bakura been in full possession of his senses, he might have been warned by the pharaoh's uncannily calm tone. However, he was far from it and kept screaming.

"Of course you're a thief! What else do you call taking what's not yours?"

The next thing Bakura knew he was lying on his back, jaw aching from where Atem's fist had hit him and staring up at the enraged pharaoh.

"Your insolence is beyond belief. I demand you take it back."

Bakura chuckled and wiped the blood from his broken lip as he stood up, raising an eyebrow.

"Seems like I hit a sore spot. So tell me, _pharaoh, _how does one manage to be loved for his thefts?"

"I am no thief!"

"Oh, but you are. You may hide behind that crown of yours but you're still a thief. And you're ruining my reputation!"

Atem could not believe what he was hearing.

"Let me get this straight, you're jealous because you think I'm a better thief then you?"

"Not exactly jealous." The thief huffed and crossed his arms once again.

"Suure."

"I am not!"

"Fine, your not then. And I am no thief."

Atem, too, crossed his arms and for the next couple of minutes, the both of them stood watching each other in silence. Each waited for the other to make the next move.

Atem found himself wondering about the logic and insolence of this thief, calling the spoils of war, Egypt-protecting wars, theft.

Bakura on the other hand was wondering about how such a thick-headed idiot ever became pharaoh. And a loved one at that. Losing his patience, he snapped at said pharaoh.

"So, how are you getting us out of this mess of yours, hero?"

"Stop calling me that!"

"What, you prefer 'thief' all of a sudden?"

"How in Ra's name have you been at large for this long? You are an insane idiot."

"Hey! I might be insane, but I'm no idiot. And you're not exactly the brightest in the bunch, look where you've gotten us!"

"Again with the blaming me for your actions. If you weren't so busy blaming others for your mistakes, perhaps you'd be a happier person!"

"I _am _happy! I have my gold and I have my lackeys, that's all I need."

"So that's why you're going around kidnapping people. 'Cause your so happy?"

"It happens to be a hobby of mine, yes."

"And what about me then?"

Bakura raised a brow.

"What _about _you?"

"Why am I still alive? If you wanted me dead this would be your opportune moment."

To Atem's immense surprise the thief started to laugh. First off it was a mere chuckle but it soon grew to the point where Bakura had trouble standing straight.

"What is wrong with you? How is my being alive or not funny?"

Bakura, who was now holding his arms around his stomach, managed to calm down enough to give an answer.

"Why would I want you dead? I can't defeat a dead person, now can I? You're safe until I've snatched all of your treasure. I will be the greatest thief before I send you to the underworld."

"How many times must I tell you that I am not a thief? And this is your cave, why should I be the one to find the way back?"

"Oh, pharaoh. I couldn't do that to you." Bakura stepped closer to Atem and kissed him before turning around and walking into one of the many tunnels. His last words echoing back to Atem who stood frozen in shock.

"I couldn't deny you to see that adoring look of your little girlfriend when you save her. I'll give you a hint though, hero. She's not in this tunnel."

Atem started from his shock and called out after Bakura.

"She's not my girlfriend!

An echoing chuckle was the only reply and, as Atem stormed down another tunnel, he could not help but wonder why he had felt the need to clarify this.

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Let me know what you think!


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N:** It was originally planned as a one-shot, however, the plotbunny was not done with me. (Or the story for that matter) So, let's see where this goes, shall we?

Great thanks to **Chicary** for the awesome beta work.

**Disclaimer: **Did I tell you that I also own the sun?

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"Pharaoh, pharaoh. We must stop meeting like this. People might start to gossip."

Atem glared up at Bakura. The thief was, yet again, splayed on top of him. This time, they were face to face and Atem could think of a million better things to wake up to than a grinning Bakura.

"Get off me!"

But Bakura just kept grinning and raised a brow.

"What? I've bathed this time. Just for you, pharaoh."

Indeed the thief didn't reek the way he had last time. In fact, he smelled okay, almost nice. Atem was all but impressed though.

"What the hell are you doing here?"

The 'here' being nowhere other than the very bed of the pharaoh. Bakura laughed and rolled off Atem just as said pharaoh aimed a knee-kick for his groin.

"Feisty. I like it." He hopped off the bed and walked over to the dresser standing by the opposite wall, carefully looking through Atem's jewelery. His fingers lingered on the crown for a while, then moved onto the many armbands.

"These are really nice, you know."

Atem couldn't help but stare at the thief, who was walking around his bedchamber as if it was the most natural thing in the world. And how had he managed to get in in the first place? Suddenly furious about the whole situation, Atem jumped out of bed and grabbed a sword from the wall above his bed. Clad in nothing more then a loincloth and his puzzle, he charged at the thief king.

"I'll show you feisty, I'll have your head for this!"

Bakura ducked his head in the last minute and ran away from Atem, heading towards the bed and the other sword hanging on the wall.

"But pharaoh, I thought we had something going here!" He cackled and turned against Atem, sword now in hand.

"The only thing going is _you_...into my dungeon."

"Now, now, my thieving pharaoh. We need not visit the dungeons if you wish to tie me up."

"I am not a thief!" Atem crossed swords with Bakura, the cold ring of steel against steel filling the room alongside Bakura's cackling. The pharaoh was bitterly regretting that he had, since long ago, refused to have any guards inside the royal chambers. With the thick walls and the distance between the bedchamber and his outer chamber, the guards wouldn't hear any sound of the fight.

"Still in denial I see. Saved any kittens lately?"

"That's none of your business. How the hell did you get in here?"

"Tsk, tsk. You have your secrets and I have mine. Perhaps I will tell you if you admit that you are a thief."

"Fine, don't tell me. It won't matter anyway when I'm done with you!"

With that, Atem dealt a series of blows, making it hard for the thief king to fend for himself. He was, after all, trained in the art of war whereas Bakura, was not.

"And what, do tell, are you going to do with me, pharaoh?"

"Stop saying 'pharaoh' like that!"

"And just how am I saying it?"

Another series of blows was emphasized by Atem's every word.

"Like. It's. Some. Kind. Of. Endearment!"

"And what if it is? Shall I still stop saying it? Or maybe you _do _prefer thief after all."

"Stop calling me a thief!"

Atem intensified his attack, forcing the thief king to retreat. In Bakura's defence, he did hold his own for far longer then most would. However, in the end, he found himself pinned against the wall, the tip of Atem's sword against his throat. It was a most delightful sight. The (as good as) naked pharaoh glaring up at him from the other end of a sword.

Atem, however, wasn't amused. In fact, he was angrier then he had been in the first place, wanting nothing more than to wipe that smug grin off the thief's face.

"What are you grinning about? If you don't stop it right now, I will run you through!" He increased the pressure of the sword, causing a small droplet of blood to run down Bakura's throat.

"Why should I not be happy? It's not everyday I get to see this... much of you," He gave a mischievous smirk, "Pharaoh."

In that same moment, he stomped his sandal-clad foot down on Atem's bare one, hard, earning him a yelp and just enough room to switch their positions.

"Ah, much better."

"That's cheating!"

"I'm a thief, that's what I do. You can punish me later." He chuckled. "Now, about my visit here..."

"What about it?" Atem struggled to breath. The thief had put his arm over his throat, leaning in so close that he could feel the other's warm breath on his face. Was this how it would end? Strangled to death, in his own chambers, by an insane thief?

Bakura's sly grin changed into a glare.

"If his royal whiny-ass could be quiet, I might actually be able to tell him!"

"I am not whining."

"Of _course _not. And you're not a thief either."

"I a-oomph!"

Atem was about to make his comeback when Bakura put his hand over his mouth, effectively shutting him up. This was ridiculous. Having no choice but to let the thief speak his nonsense, Atem tried thinking of a way to overpower him. While only paying attention to half of the thief's ramblings, he thought about using the same trick Bakura'd used. He quickly discarded the idea. Not only was it below his dignity, but the thief might be expecting it.

All the while, Bakura kept talking.

"Ah, silence. Isn't it nice, pharaoh? Just the two of us, the moon... anyways, you wanted to know why I'm here, I'm surprised you haven't figured it out by now. I thought you were supposed to be a smart guy..."

Bakura trailed off and thought back to their encounter in the cave.

"On the other hand, that entire hero acting contradicts it." He shrugged and kept talking.

"I think we're a bit off topic...where were we? Oh yes, my reasons for coming here this lovely night, other then to visit, of course. You see, pharaoh, I think I have been going at this the wrong way. I -oow!"

The thief's monologue was cut short by Atem biting him in the hand, almost hard enough to draw blood. Taking advantage of the situation, the pharaoh decided to make an exception to his principles and stomped the thief on the foot before shoving him in the chest, hard enough to have Bakura land hard on his rear end. He looked up at Atem in bafflement.

Atem could not help a triumphant grin.

"Serves you right for laying your hands on me, filthy thief!" He snatched a sword up from the ground and held it against the thief king's throat once again. This time, he made sure to keep his distance, keeping the thief at arms length.

"Well, well. Seems like the pharaoh has learned a few tricks. And what now, hero?"

"Enough of this. On your feet, slowly."

Still without losing his grin, Bakura complied with the pharaoh's wishes. This kept getting better and better. He would have engaged in direct contact with the pharaoh sooner, had he known it would offer this much entertainment.

Atem, having learned his lesson, followed the thief's every movement, not letting his sword lose contact with the skin for even a second.

"Now, back away, and keep it slow."

Bakura kept backing away until the backside of his legs hit the bed, preventing him from going any further.

"Seems like we've hit a dead end, pharaoh."

"Not quite. Turn around."

"Now, pharaoh. I'm not sure we know each other that well yet."

"Will you shut up? This is not a seducing act for Ra's sake! Turn around or I will cut you open!"

The thief chuckled and turned his back to the pharaoh.

"If you say so, pharaoh. If you say so."

"I do."

Atem kept grumbling to himself about obnoxious thieves, while tying said thief to his bed pole. He tried very hard to ignore the fact that he was, indeed, tying the thief to his bed. Bakura, however, was only too glad to point it out to the pharaoh.

"If you wanted to tie me to your bed, pharaoh, all you had to do was ask. I'm not impossible."

"Shut up! This just happens to be the most solid option."

"Then tell me, why are you so flustered?"

"Am not!"

"Oh, but you are."

"You're delusional. You can't even see me!"

"I'm psychic."

Atem finished the knot, tightening it as much as he could, all the while trying to block out the chuckling of the thief king.

"Ow! Like it rough, do we?"

"Psychic, my ass. You're nothing but annoying!"

"Aw, you're hurting my feelings. And here I was hoping for a good time."

"The only time you'll get is dungeon time!"

With that, Atem marched out of his bedchambers. While walking down the corridors towards the outer doors of his chambers, and the guards standing outside them, he cursed the thief and his insane ideas. Him, the pharaoh, flustered over a filthy thief?

Bakura smelled better this time, though, like spices. Spices and smoke. A most pleasant combination. No! It didn't matter; he was still filthy. He was a thief and he was filthy. And insane. Nothing to like. Or be flustered about.

Coming to a stand just inside his doors, Atem took a deep breath to compose himself before opening the door and addressing the guards outside.

"I have captured the thief king. He is in my bed chambers; take him down to the dungeons immediately."

"Yes, my pharaoh!"

Without showing what they thought about the situation, or pointing out the reddish face of their sovereign, they followed him back to his chambers. They were professionals, after all.

None of the men, however, expected to find an empty room.

The head guard looked to Atem for guidance.

"Pharaoh?"

Atem, on the other hand, was even more baffled then his guards. How did Bakura manage to get out of his bondage? Immediately cursing his poor choice of words, he walked up to the bed. The only evidence of the thief ever being there was the sliced-through piece of silk that had been used as rope, and a note.

_Next time you tie me up, hero. Make sure I'm unarmed. Until we meet again. Pharaoh._

Atem crumpled the note in his clenched hand and glared out the open window. He could have sworn he heard the echoing laughter of the thief.

TBC

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Lemme know what you think.


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